A biker beard means business.
There’s no two ways about it.
But not the 9-5, tie-wearing “yes, sir, no, sir” kind of business.
I’m talking about the serious business of feeling free.
Because if you have a biker beard, you probably also have a motorcycle.
And you know that riding that beautiful beast is the very definition of freedom.
There’s no better feeling than roaring along a wide open road, and breathing in the vibrant landscape that you’re a moving part of.
And a biker beard captures that very same feeling – and expresses it in furry form…
So if you have a biker beard, you have a serious responsibility.
You have to enjoy every hairy moment of your magnificent facial fur.
You don’t simply wear a biker beard. You have to rock it. There are lots of ways to do that – from adding a Viking touch, passing on your furry genes to the next generation, to inspiring your friends to grow beards too. You can dress up a biker beard when you’re bored, and of course keep everything from toast crumbs to cats in it.
Here’s how to go loud and proud with a motorcycle beard…
Eight Ways to Rock a Biker Beard
1. Keep it crumb-free
Magnificent facial hair does have its challenges.
The pastry and cake food group, for example, is particularly tricky.
It’s very difficult to eat pie or a slice of cake without major crumb fallout.
It’s not the coolest of looks.
And it’s also then real hard to pretend you’ve eaten nothing since lunch.
2. Viking up your beard
If you’ve been binging on shows about Vikings on Netflix like we have lately, you’ve gotta admit those guys are a total inspiration when it comes to beards.
Sometimes they braid them; sometimes they thread silver beads into them.
And sometimes they just let them flow wild and free – just like bikers do.
Adding a touch of Viking to your beard could potentially make you look even wilder, though.
But don’t worry.
You don’t have to take your shirt off too.
3. Rock a biker beard with a suit or tie
This combination always makes people look twice.
On the one hand, your beard makes you look like a complete wild man.
But on the other hand, if you’re dressed conservatively as well, then you must be capable of holding down a job.
You may even be some kind of professional.
Yep, well with the price of motorcycles, it’s kinda helpful to have some money coming in, right?
4. Pass on your furry genes
If you have kids, you may have already created the next generation of biker beards.
Furry genes often run in families.
It doesn’t happen in every generation, it’s true.
Your son might grow up to be clean cut, and more comfortable on Wall Street than a biker bar.
Oh, well.
At least you tried.
And if you have a girlie daughter who grows up wearing tutus and later graduates to dresses, there’s another lost opportunity for passing on your furry genes.
So be it.
But if the stars have aligned, you just may have passed the biker beard gene to your son.
A genetic biker beard often comes with an inherited insane sense of humour, and lifetime issues with authority.
It may lead to Life Complications, but at least it doesn’t lead to boredom.
Thanks, Dad!
5. A biker beard can be contagious
Biker beards look so good that other guys will often say, DAMN! I could rock that look too.
They may be right.
So before you know it, one biker beard leads to another.
Now anything at all could happen.
And let’s face it, if half a dozen guys with biker beards show up at your house, your neighbours have probably already called the police.
No matter.
By the time they’ve stayed for a chat and a beer, they’ll be going home to check out some online motorcycle auctions.
Oh, and to throw away their own razors.
You’ve just started a biker beard movement.
6. A biker beard can be effortlessly fabulous
Biker beards are so damn cool that you can style them up on a rainy Sunday afternoon when you’re sick of watching Netflix.
And OK, you might not want to wear this look to a biker bar on a Saturday night.
But it’s a hilarious way to get in touch with your feminine side.
Especially in private.
7. A biker beard is a natural defence
That layer of fur between your face and the elements is nature’s sunscreen.
It protects you from the sun, the wind, and even most kinds of insects.
But it’s a good idea to do a quick sift through the layers now and again, to make sure no grasshoppers, crickets (or God forbid – spiders!) have set up home in this welcoming furry forest.
You’ve got to watch out for cats, too.
They LOVE it in there – especially if they’re biker cats.
8. A biker beard can can change shape and form
Your beard changes personality like the wind.
Actually, when you’re out riding, it changes WITH the wind.
Biker beards will take on weird and wonderful shapes during a motorcycle ride.
After a day out on the bike, Pat’s beard might:
- form pointy spikes like Lisa Simpson’s hair turned upside down
- be twisted at an odd angle like a tree bent sideways from decades in the wind, or
- curl upwards around his helmet strap – this is the beard equivalent of helmet hair.
Photo opportunities abound…
Don’t forget a biker beard needs care.
Now biker beards may look rough, tough, and devil-may-care.
Just like many bikers themselves.
But truth be told, both bikers AND their beards need plenty of loving care.
So keep your beard clean by shampooing out the bugs, and the toast crumbs from breakfast.
Add a few squirts of conditioner, and your beard will stop feeling like a mini-haystack.
And if you want to go absolutely wild with grooming products … add a few drops of beard oil to your demanding new beard maintenance routine.
Your biker beard will thank you.
So will your woman.
The bottom line is: a biker beard makes a statement.
It means something.
It’s about freedom.
It’s about your love of motorcycles.
And it’s about being too lazy to shave everyday (or for 20 years).
Let’s face it, biker beards rock.
And by definition, if you have one … so do you!
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