Some types of motorcyclists are just plain annoying, right?
Not you and me, of course.
And not our friends.
But if you ever ride in a group, or you’re a member of a local motorcycle club, you’ll have met some real doozies.
Most of the motorcyclists you meet are great company.
But some are just not on your wavelength.
Some bikers make you cringe, and roll your eyes.
How many of these types of motorcyclists do you recognise?
12 Types of Motorcyclists to Ride Away From – Fast!
These are the types of bikers who make you shake your head in disbelief…
1. The Oracle
The Oracle knows everything there is to know about motorcycles.
Not just his own motorcycle.
He’s an expert on every motorcycle ever made.
Particularly your motorcycle.
He has a wealth of motorcycle trivia stored in his brain, and he has to share it.
Did you know, for example, that your bike is one of 12,898 made that year?
But the model that came out the year after yours is 100% better?
And do you know why?
Well, fear not, because he’s about to enlighten you.
2. Inspector Gadget
Inspector Gadget has 100 after-market gizmos clipped, taped and wired onto his motorcycle.
His phone is charging and installing new apps constantly.
It may well turn into a Transformer by the end of the ride.
This type of motorcyclist always has a heated vest, jacket and gloves.
All are plugged into different ports in the motorcycle.
His Bluetooth helmet is top of the line.
He can use it to chat to his passenger, check his bank balance, and monitor his home security system from the road.
He’s connected to a state-of-the-art very cool satellite hook-up.
It gives updates on everything from the latest weather, to incoming messages from the aliens that could be hovering in the sky above him in their invisible spacecraft.
He has 4 kinds of GPS, even though he only rides local roads.
Everything is flashing, humming, and bombarding him with input he doesn’t need.
It’s a miracle he can remember to keep his eyes on the road.
That’s pretty hard to do when you have a screen in your dashboard that probably gets Netflix.
3. The Romantic
The Romantic changes motorcycles about as often as he changes his underpants.
Yep, about every 2 weeks (eww).
Every time you see him, he has a different bike.
He falls in love – hard – with a new motorcycle every time he checks the online auctions.
He NEEDS that next bike and he needs it now, so he sells his current ride at a shameful loss.
But that doesn’t matter, because now there’s a new shiny toy on its way to him from across the country.
When the delivery van rolls into the driveway, he’s like a kid at Christmas.
He giggles in delight. He may hug the motorcycle itself, as well as the van driver.
He forgets to come in for dinner because he’s lovingly bathing his new motorcycle in the garage.
But two weeks later, he’s over it.
He’s fallen out of love again, and is back trawling the Motorcycles for Sale ads for the next must-have prize.
4. The Hero
The hero is a born storyteller.
And the best kinds of stories are all about him.
He loves to regale anyone who’ll listen with tales of his brave adventures.
But his stories are SO heroic that they’re utterly unbelievable.
He’s ridden across scorching deserts alone, without any water, in a single day while vultures wheeled dramatically overhead.
He’s ridden through mud as thick as quicksand, standing up on the foot pegs for hours.
He’s ridden blind (at top speed of course) through whiteout blizzards.
And did he ever tell you about the time he got into a high speed chase with the cops?
It was like something out of a Jason Statham movie.
Naturally they couldn’t come close to catching him.
But, hey, that’s just who he is.
A total legend.
5. Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman is part superhero and part women’s rights activist.
She rides her own motorcycle.
And she seems to think she’s the first woman to ever do that.
Wonder Woman has many, MANY very long stories about her own riding journey.
They will make you yawn out loud.
But this type of motorcyclist won’t notice.
She’s too busy being a trail blazer.
Or at least talking about it.
And if she’s telling her endless stories to a female motorcycle passenger, there’s one recurring theme that comes across loud and clear…
All women should ride.
And if you don’t, there’s something wrong with you.
Um, wait a minute.
Isn’t the point of feminism that women get to choose?
I always shudder when I see a Wonder Woman approaching.
I’d ask her where she parked her invisible plane, but I’m too busy running the other way screaming.
6. The Speed Freak
The Speed Freak cannot keep his tacho out of the red.
He has carpal tunnel in his right wrist because he spends so much time cranking the throttle.
He’s a nightmare to ride with, as he’ll zoom past you with no warning and disappear to become a dot in the distance.
You’ll catch up with him much later at the coffee shop you were riding to together.
Of course by that time, he’s had 4 double espressos and is already pulling his gear back on, itching to get back on the road.
He’s always about to lose his licence due to his almost weekly speeding fines.
His bike is fitted with three expensive radar detectors, which he ignores.
And he knows from bitter experience where the police tend to lie in wait on all local roads.
Even so, he still can’t bring himself to slow down.
7. Mr One Eye
Mr One Eye loves Moto Guzzis (or Harleys, or BMWs) and nothing else.
So don’t try to talk to him about your Triumph.
He’s openly not interested.
And don’t bother inviting him to join a social ride where a dozen different kinds of motorcycles are expected.
This type of motorcyclist will laugh in your face.
It’s also pointless to tell him about the latest mods you’re doing to your vintage Triumph Bonneville.
Every other biker you know will want to know more about your garage challenges.
But not Mr One Eye.
If you don’t have the same kind of motorcycle he has, you’re dead to him.
8. The Masochist
The Masochist can’t just go for a Saturday afternoon ride, and enjoy the sunshine.
That’s too easy.
He prefers a challenge.
So he gets up before dawn, and rides 1500 miles in a day just to prove he can.
He ignores his rumbling stomach and his aching backside.
Taking a break is for the weak.
He stops for gas only when his bike is desperately gasping for fuel.
And after an endless day in the saddle, he’ll set up his tent, grab a fist full of beef jerky, and pass out exhausted on the ground.
If there’s a way to make the ride harder, he’ll find it.
Never mind if it’s hailing, snowing, or zero degrees out, The Masochist is up for it.
Of course, if it’s seriously freezing, he might secretly put on some thermal underwear.
But he’ll never admit it.
9. The Logo Addict
The Logo Addict is the type of motorcyclist who won’t buy any motorcycle gear that’s not clearly branded.
A plain leather jacket or riding jeans won’t cut it.
His jacket has to be embossed with Live to Ride.
Or at least some cool skulls.
His shades are designer, and crazy expensive.
Never mind that they’re only going to get covered in bugs.
His motorcycle helmet is the exact same model as worn by the winner of this year’s Isle of Man.
His saddle bags are thick, shiny leather, with suede fringing and plenty of bling.
This type of motorcyclist is like a spoiled teenage girl with rich parents.
But in a biker’s body.
10. The Stunt Man
The Stunt Man cannot go on a ride without pulling a wheelie, or trying to break the sound barrier.
He overtakes trucks at breakneck speed on blind corners.
He speeds up when a traffic light has just turned to red.
He routinely races at weekend meetings (naturally, he does wheelies there too).
And yep, he’s broken most of the bones in his body.
This type of motorcyclist couldn’t ride like a sane person if he tried.
11. The Penny Pincher
The Penny Pincher is absolutely convinced that all bike shops are in on a massive conspiracy.
They’re in business purely and simply to rip him off.
When something goes wrong with his motorcycle, he has a major crisis.
Because he can’t fix it himself.
So he’ll reluctantly ride to the bike shop.
He’ll eye the mechanic suspiciously while waiting for an estimate of what the work will cost.
And when he gets the quote, he’ll snort out loud like an outraged warthog.
It’ll cost HOW MUCH?
To have the work done by trained, experienced professionals with access to the correct tools, equipment and software?
What a rip!
No thank you: he’ll do the job himself.
Well, he’ll try.
And 2 months later, when his motorcycle is mostly in bits, back he’ll go to the bike shop.
In the car.
The bike shop will have to send a van to pick up his motorcycle, which no longer runs.
And he’ll grouch and grumble at paying what will now cost three times as much as the original quote.
Because now the mechanics have to fix his mess as well as the original problem.
In the meantime, he’s also missed 2 months of perfect summer riding weather.
But that’s all part of the conspiracy, right?
12. The Keg Master
Believe it or not, there are STILL bikers out there who think that drinking and riding is NOT the stupidest idea ever.
The Keg Master insists on stopping at a bar on every group ride – just for a couple of beers.
And then another couple at the next bar down the road.
And yes, you can point out (not for the first time) why this is a really bad idea.
But The Keg Master knows better.
He’s a real man, and absolutely fine to ride.
In fact, he’ll lean in and explain blearily, a few beers makes him a BETTER rider.
How can slower reflexes, bad decisions, and faster, riskier riding be an improvement on your skills?
But your voice of reason will fall on deaf ears.
So when it’s time to get back out on the road, get the hell out of The Keg Master’s way.
Make sure his “enhanced” riding skills won’t land you in the hospital in the bed next to him.
How many of these types of motorcyclists have you met?
Most bikers are a laugh a minute.
They’re fun, kind, interesting and great company.
But there are some real duds out there.
So if you get stuck talking to the type of biker that makes you grind your teeth so loud you can actually hear it, you know what to do.
Pull on your gear, start your motorcycle and get back on the open road.
Then all you can hear is the roar of the engine and your own thoughts.